Since it’s Christmas Eve and all, but also my usual day of the week for new blog posts, I figured I’d go a little lighter with the content. You’ll get your fix of guns and knives at your various holiday family gatherings, especially if crazy Uncle Eddie shows up again loaded on torpedo juice and a bad attitude. Merry Christmas!
In all honesty, 2015 was a terrific year for me, and I have much to be thankful for in life. Our son celebrated his first birthday, my Writer’s Digest book on guns and knives in fiction found wonderful success, many new writing projects got underway and I’ve made some terrific friends through this blog.
On the other hand, all that attention brought out some unusual requests about guns and knives. I’ve summarized them below. Sarcastic replies are free of charge.
Would You Like to Buy This Gun/Knife/Accessory?
I’d be an idiot not to! Let’s meet in a dark parking lot of your choosing. I’ll be sure to come alone.
I Can’t Tell If This Gun/Knife/Accessory I’m Thinking of Buying is Legal for Me to Own. Can You Help Me?
I hear there’s going to be a guy coming to a dark parking lot who can help you. Just a sec, I’ll pull up the address for you.
I’d Like to Engage You in a Lively Political Discussion About Gun/Knife Laws. Will You Reply to the E-mail I Sent Last Week? And Two Days Ago? And Yesterday?
Actually, I know of a couple guys meeting in a dark parking lot who can’t wait to hear your manifesto. Let me get that address for you.
This is the Police. Do You Know Anything About These People? They Met in a Dark Parking Lot Recently.
Sure do. Here are their e-mail addresses.
OK, I made these few up for fun, but there’s a grain of truth in there. My point is if I’m going to make a firearm or knife purchase, the last place I’d turn to is some random guy e-mailing me. There’s a Cabela’s down the street. Go away.
(P.S. If you’re not sure whether something is legal or not, either research the laws in your area or don’t buy it. I’m not your lawyer.)
Did You Serve in the Military/Law Enforcement?
Nope. My information comes first-hand, from insights working in the firearm/knife industry via the publishing business, through one of my contacts or through research. Sometimes my sources are kept anonymous and sometimes it’s the latest issue of Gun Digest.
If You’re Going to Write About Guns and Knives, Why Aren’t You Using Your Platform to Advocate for XYZ Political Cause? What Do You Think About Gun/Knife Laws?
I think people can draw their own conclusions about my beliefs, and that they’d probably be half-right (or half-wrong, depending on your POV).
I don’t make agreeing with me a requirement of enjoying this website (I explain more of that in this interview). Readers don’t come here for me. They want information, and it could be Colonel Sanders behind the wheel for all they care. That’s why I leave politics out of it. At best, I’d appeal to one point of view while alienating another. At worst, everyone will get upset and leave. Wedge issues tend to lead to dogmatic purity tests, and I’d rather not open that door if I can help it.
One day I may post the reasoning behind how I think about gun and knife laws, but I think it’s better to stick to the nuts and bolts. That’s the only unshakeable part of this topic, and it’s also the most valuable. Physics, metallurgy, engineering and technology exist outside of politics. It’s not like there are liberal and conservative interpretations of Newton’s Laws of Motion.
That’s part of what draws me to firearms and knives in the first place. They don’t require politics to function, and neither do I.
You Said XYZ Gun Would Be Powerful Enough to Seriously Injure XYZ Character, but I Think You’re Wrong. Are You Stupid, You Stupidface?
Well, you caught me. I’m a stupid stupidface. And to demonstrate just how right you are about that, I hereby volunteer to shoot XYZ gun into your thigh.
I Think You Were Wrong About XYZ Detail in One of Your Posts/in Your Book. What Gives?
Yeah, I might’ve been. That’s the trick with boiling down a lot of information into a few paragraphs. The worlds of firearms and knives are full of exceptions and nuance. We’re probably both wrong and right in some way. That’s OK. We’ll make it through this.
I’d Like to Preview Your Book Before I Buy It. Will You Send Me a Copy to Test?
Of course! Let me know right away if you decide to buy it so you can mail it back to me.
I Sell Body Bags in Bulk. Would You Like to Buy 5,000 or 10,000 Units?
I only deal in lots of 1 million. I don’t think you can help me.
(Not kidding with this one. I’ve received this e-mail a few times.)
Why Won’t You Friend Me on Facebook?
My Twitter handle is the best place to follow me. You’ll find that I have a personal profile on Facebook, but we’ve got to get to know each other before we link up there, seeing as how I post pictures of my kid on there. A better route might be to Like the Facebook page instead.
Will You Ever Write a Sequel to Glass Eye?
Is That Really You in that Picture You Posted? You Look Like an Idiot.
You mean this one?
No, and for three reasons.
First, I have more hair. Second, I wouldn’t have my finger on the trigger unless I was ready to shoot. Third, I’m employable.
There you have it, folks. Thanks again for a wonderful 2015. I hope this year was kind to you and yours, as well. And if you have a question about guns/knives in fiction, feel free to drop me a line here.